The Trouble With Men Over 35

I’ve recently come to the conclusion that men over 34 who are single and have not been married are, for the mosstevet part, undateable.

I’m fairly positive that tons of single men over 34 would challenge this, but seriously until you get a long term girlfriend (like more than 3 years)…I really don’t think you have the authority. 

Let’s partake in a short mental exercise. Close your eyes.  Think about all of the men around you who are 34 and over, not in a relationship, and have never been married. I challenge you to think about whether they are kind of weird. I bet you anything the answer is yes. 

Ok, if the answer is that “they’re sweet” and “you don’t know why they haven’t met anyone“,  I’ll get to that in a few moments.

First, let me lay out a few practical reasons for theorizing that, in this day and age in the prevalent culture of the US, it’s much harder to get married if you’re still single at 34-35 whether you’re male or female. Now, I’m not relying on any statistics because..well..fuck it…because this is my fucking blog and I’m being totally anecdotal and not giving a fuck. Basically, I think that in their mid 30s, people are generally more set in their ways, less open to change, less attractive (for the most part), and less inclined to be in scenarios where they meet other single people of the same age range. Additionally, I think that people who have been single for this long tend to be more self-absorbed and used to their particular lifestyle and habits,  which doesn’t lend itself to being a good partner.

Oh I know, I know…there are all of these articles on the internet saying that “its so much SEXIER” to  have a stable job and have your life together and “maturity is SEXY”. This is all totally valid. But let’s face it: if anyone is trying to say that 35 is the prime age to be a single person, you’re kidding yourself. 

35 year olds who are still out at bars trying to get laid are…weird. 35 year olds who don’t have stable jobs are…sad. 35 year olds who have a lot of casual sex are…fucked up. 35 year olds who want to get married and have kids have..well…they have a ticking clock. Which makes them REEK of desperation.

With this all being said, let’s talk about all those “Sweet guys over 34 who just haven’t met the right person yet”. 

I have met SO MANY of those guys,  and SO many of them have tried to ensnare me in their web of mediocre gross relationshipness (vomit) because something about my large hip-to-waist ratio and Jewish affability apparently screams “marriage material”. This has given me MANY an opportunity to analyze what the fuck is wrong with these dudes and why they “haven’t met the one” yet and let me assure you: it’s not a coincidence

1. Totally self-absorbed

This is one of those chicken/egg scenarios.

It’s like, are you 35 and single because you’ve ALWAYS been totally self absorbed or are you totally self absorbed because you’ve just been single for so damn long?

The latter seems like a plausible reason for why people who are divorced have a higher rate of marriage over 35 than people who have never been married. Ideally, a long term relationship (and even more so, having kids) in your twenties  and thirties forces you to prioritize people besides yourself. It causes people to have complete paradigm shifts in how to rank their values, time, etc. Therefore, someone who has spent most of their time being single is just going to be… different. Is this more true for dudes than women? Probably not.

But my next point is totally a dude thing:

2. No concept of who is in their league

As much as we hate to admit it, leagues are a totally real thing, my friend (though sometimes, admittedly, the rules of leagues feel completely amorphous and arbitrary) . I can safely say that so many of the 35 year old guys are trying to date way out of their league. I have met so many 35 year old males who are still trying to date the girls they were trying to date 10 years ago. Obviously this is problematic for emotional reasons as well as practical. Mostly, I feel like it shows a complete lack of awareness that they have changed physically. You just don’t have the tumblr_konnna4Ybu1qzhiqwo1_1280same currency you had 10 years ago!

If you’re 35, experiencing a receding hairline and an increasing waistline, why would you think a woman in the prime of physical attractiveness would actually be into you? On the upside of things, you might have A TON of currency to a single woman say…in your age range.

I’ve met so many men over 35 who have like nothing going for them and still have these impossibly high standards for women they feel they should date. It’s actually kind of hilarious, but ultimately it’s just fucking them because they’re never going to date that hot dream girl. 

It sounds harsh to say “you really should settle”, but at 35, I actually advocate settling for less than “the ideal”. You can’t expect your partner to be perfect if you’re not and let’s face it…if you were perfect someone would have scooped you up already. 

3. Creepily Obsessed with Marriage

Hear this loud and clear: No woman outside of a religious cult likes to feel like a potential walking vessel for your seed. 

Maybe this is a turn-on to other people who are creepily obsessed with marriage, but talking about how you’re “looking for a wife” or “want to get married” within a few weeks of meeting a girl makes her feel like you view her as your wifebot.

I’ve met so many 35+ men who I feel like are sizing me up as “wife material” as soon as they meet me because they have a clear sense of their ticking time bomb. This is  clear reason why younger men are more attractive than you. This makes you seem old and creepy. Granted, women like commitment: but the man who portrays an attitude of “time is on my side” rather than sweating nervousness about the state of his sperm count will always win.

The good news is this: I don’t think it’s TOTALLY helpless for men over 35. I just think that they need to seriously reconsider who they’re aiming for. I know a ton ( one or two) of divorced women who have married long time bachelors after their kids were out of the house. This has worked out really well because these women were basically single for a really long time, so they ended up meshing really well with a dude who was also single for a long time. My point is: hope is never lost.

But as far as I’m concerned I have two dating tenets I stand by:

1. If you’re a woman under 30,  34 is the cut off date for eligible men.

2. If you’re a single dude, get married ( or at least seriously commit) before you’re 35. 

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There’s a Limit to How Much I Care About Your Break Up

There’s this line from the movie Drinking Buddies that I really dig:

That’s the problem with heartbreak, to you it’s like an atomic bomb and to the world it’s just really cliche, because in the end we all have the same experience.”

I watched this movie while I was going through a break up and this particular line hit me because, yeah, it was pretty much exactly what I was feeling. Every time I tried to talk to anyone about my break up (which I felt the need to do fairly compulsively), their eyes sort of glazed over and their responses turned to really generic “yeahs” and “I’m sorrys” and then (the worst) promises that it would “get better with time”. The only people who would really commiserate were my friends who were also going through break ups, but I generally found these interactions to be kind of unsatisfying because they just wanted to talk about their own break up and how devastated they were and of course I just wanted to talk about mine.  It would really bother me, of course, because it made me feel like everyone was belittling my feelings or not taking me seriously and I was in so much fucking pain.

Honestly though, now that I’m over my break up I have to admit that I don’t really blame anyone who didn’t want to listen to me bitch. Because in reality the shit I was dealing with sucked, but it didn’t really suck anymore than anyone else’s shit and it’s kind of boring to listen to people’s generic shit that you know they’re going to move on from eventually.

I feel like when you go through a break up you have a quota of how much you’re allowed to bitch about it and reasonably expect other people to give a shit. I mean, no one’s stopping you from going past that mark, but don’t be surprised if people stop caring.

As a good person and as a decent friend I want to say that I’ll sit and listen to people complain about their break ups for hours, but the reality is I work with people who have lost their homes, are going through major trauma, and have horrible home life situations and someone’s generic mid-20s break up just doesn’t seem to rank that high on the list of possible tragedies.

Oh, I know I know…you can say that other people’s tragedies don’t devalue your own personal tragedy and I think that’s true. I think it’s good to feel sadness and to mourn for yourself and I think its totally fucking weird and super unhealthy when people are able to just move on from long term relationships without caring…but there is a certain point where you can’t reasonably expect most other people to care. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t care about yourself and your feelings, but maybe its time to start seeking some alternative outlets for your pain.

Here’s a little anecdote to put things in perspective: during the months following my break up, I started going to Al Anon meetings because my ex was an alcoholic. At this point, even my sweet mother who is the picture of patience and kindness had started getting sick of listening to me complain about how depressed I was (though she would never admit to this), so my weekly Al Anon meeting became the only place where I could go and vent about my sadness. I’m ashamed to say I basically wouldn’t listen to what anyone else was saying because I was just waiting for the moment that I could vent my feelings. But at a certain point I realized I was just saying the same shit over and over, so I vowed to stop talking and just listen to what other people said. And (surprise) it turned out that everyone in the room was dealing with a tragedy, and most of those tragedies were way more intense than my break up.  It also turned out that I felt better when I tried to help other people, rather than just complaining about myself. Furthermore, I suddenly realized that the people around me who I had been using as human soundboards were also going through their own shit which was just as important in their world as my dumb break up was to me…and I had been a pretty crappy friend to them.

Listen, people have been experiencing heartbreak for a really long time. It is an intense and profound feeling and it makes you question everything you thought you knew. But interestingly enough, nothing you are feeling when you go through heartbreak is unique. Someone else has felt the exact same thing…actually millions of people have been feeling those things for many many years. That’s why it’s awesome to read your way through heartbreak***: it reminds you that other people have gone through this and gotten through this and come to profound realizations via heartbreak that might help you along the way.

Whereas your friends and family can pretty much only nod and say “yeah, I’m sorry” and secretly wish you would just shut the fuck up.


****About the reading thing: I feel like you could easily read articles on Thought Catalog or MindBodyGreen or whatever dumb fucking website out their about “what to do when you’re going through a breakup” but the truth is, you’re just going to get the same generic and piddling advice that any asshole (including myself) could give you. If you really want to get some awesome insight into the fascinatingly inevitable aspect of the human condition that is heartbreak, you should read some real books. These are a few I recommend:

Heartburn, by Nora Ephron. The movie version (with Jack Nicholson and Meryl Streep) kind of sucks but this book is pure awesome. I read it in one day the weekend after my break up and then I read it again a few weeks later. It’s funny, relatable, and insightful.

Jude the Obscure, by Thomas Hardy. This is probably the most depressing book in the world. Just warning you. But I feel like Thomas Hardy knew some shit about the condition of sadness and love and all that.

The Year of Magical Thinking, by Joan Didion. Again, this is super depressing and recounts the year after Joan Didion’s husband died. But two things: 1. it has some great insight on the grieving process/the human condition/love etc  and 2. it kind of forces you to put your heartbreak in perspective.




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Things Married Dudes Will Say To You

v10-married-menHere’s a little imagined scenario for you: You’re a single gal and you’re getting, well…let’s just say an exorbitant amount of text messages from a married man.

It’s weird because you didn’t even give him your number…he just got it somehow. “But whatever,” you think, “he’s just being friendly”. After all, he is someone who could help me with my career/give me life advice/ child raising advice (whatever the scenario is).

Some time goes by and the messages increase. Also he’s calling you. Also he’s really just showering you with attention and flattery which, despite what you know is right, is hard to resist because no one has really paid attention to you since your fucking shithouse of an ex  left you down, out, flat, and broke 9 months ago (Oh wait, that’s just me).

BUT THEN IT JUST HITS YOU: “hey this dude is MARRIED. There’s a woman on the other side of this equation who is being lied to. FUCK THIS DUDE. ” and just like that, you whip out the massive “Pussy Power” flag that you keep neatly folder under your mattress and you cut off all contact with this asshole because when it comes down to it, you stick with women and dudes who fuck with women are just not cool with you.

But juuuust in case you haven’t gotten to that last point yet, I want to lay out a few things that married men might say to you and explain why they’re all total bullshit. And then to wrap it all up I’m going to explain  all of your justifications for continuing any sort of a relationship with a married man and explain why THOSE are all bullshit. And then, if you are still continuing your little flirtation (or affair) with a married man…well…don’t come crying to me when you get burned. Because I’ll just direct you to this post. So here goes:

Things Married Dudes Will Say

1. “You are so cool/hot/awesome”

Yeah dude I know. I’m a twenty-something year old chick with my life ahead of me. It’s really easy to be awesome, cool, and hot in that scenario. You know who else was probably really hot, cool, and awesome when she was in her 20s? Your fucking wife. Before you drained the life out of her.

2. “I could tell we had a connection as soon as we met”

That’s not a connection duder, that’s physical attraction. And it wasn’t completely mutual.

3. “My wife and I don’t have sex anymore”

uuhh there are a few variations of this… There’s also “my wife has given up on herself”, “we’ve lost our connection” blahblahblah. Here’s the thing: If his marriage sucks, he should get a fucking divorce. Don’t drag someone else into it. The way I think about it is this: It’s basic math. If two things suck together, pulling a third thing into the mix isn’t going to magically cure it. Ok, that’s not really math. But you get the point.

4. “If I was 10 years younger” or “If I had just met you first”

Yeah asshole, but here’s the thing: You didn’t meet me first. You met your wife first. That’s how life works so respect her. Furthermore, if you did meet me first you wouldn’t have a fucking chance because I have like a sixth sense for cheating liars. And I’m way out of your league. 

5. “I won’t sleep with you”

To explain this one: There’s a certain type of person who thinks that they can basically do anything and everything but have physical contact and it’s fine because it’s somehow not cheating. If this is like, some agreed upon thing between him and his wife within their super-liberal progressive marriage then whatever…great…but I’m talking about the dude who is secretly sexting chicks and going to strip clubs while his wife is at work and justifying it all with “well I haven’t had sex with anyone else”. If you’re on the other side of this, it’s easy to be like “he’s right…we’re not having sex…its just an innocent flirtation”. But don’t be an emotional idiot.  You know that emotional affairs ruin trust and destroy relationships. It’s extremely likely that his wife would be devastated if she knew what was going on, and if he feels like he needs to keep it a secret from her it’s fairly likely that he feels that way too.

6. “You’re the only thing that’s important to me”

I mean, really, if it gets to this point then he should leave his wife and stop causing massive destruction to the people around him, including you. Right? Because that’s the decent thing to do (Just a warning: he probably won’t…because he’s not a decent person).

There are a ton of other things he will say, by the way. And most of them are him justifying what he is doing to himself. He will justify this to his grave. Especially if you call him out on what he is doing (trust me…it’s funny).

Here are some things you might say to justify this to yourself (because aren’t we just masters of justifying the shit out of things we want to do):

I don’t care about his wife. I’m single. 

Well then seriously, fuck you. You don’t exist in a vacuum and at some point you’re going to have to wake up to the fact that your actions affect the people around you and when you knowledgeably  do things that hurt other people it makes you a shitty person.

Also if he has kids, you’re causing generations of destruction. Having parents who cheat on each other fucks kids up and makes them less likely to trust other people as adults. Granted, this dude might just cheat on his wife anyway (and he probably will), but you really don’t want the destruction of some poor kid’s home life on your hands.

I’m really busy so it’s nice to have a boyfriend with minimal commitment

OK I get that…so date  a musician or something. Trust me, there are so many dudes who would love to date you with minimal commitment. Stop being selfish. See above.

But I love him.

Yeah that is really hard and this is going to sound harsh but: he’s not yours. He made a commitment to someone else.

On a gentler note: you deserve more than some dude who refuses to make you a priority. There is someone out there who will devote themselves to you, and you only, and that’s what you deserve. Not some asshole who wants to fuck you on the sly and then go home to his family while you cry alone in your bedroom.The longer you stay with this guy, the more you close yourself off to meeting someone who you can actually have a future with.

People ruin lives by getting involved with married men. You ruin marriages, you ruin children’s lives, and you can even ruin your own life. You don’t want to be that person who is like 60 and suddenly realizes you devoted your entire life to someone who didn’t prioritize you. My point is, it’s not just innocent fun.

My other point is, liars suck. 

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Filed under Love and Relationships

Why I Take Selfies (and Why you can f-ck yourself)

The other day my ex from three years ago texted me out of the blue the following:

“Someone’s getting really good at taking selfies”.

Now I’m not going to comment on why someone would choose to text a weird backhanded compliment after 3 years of not dating, but it brought up some issues for me and put me on the defensive.

Selfies get a lot of shit. People say they are narcissistic, a cry for help, a sign of a degenerating society etc. People love to hate on women for taking selfies (which is so funny…you know…that people are hating on women for a change).

It’s funny because I spent so much of my life hating how I look and being hated on for how I look and now that I’m confident with myself, people hate on me for that. Just for some perspective, I want to give you a little background on my history of body shame:

-I was a chubby kid who was constantly picked on.

-At the age of 12, I became actively anorexic and bulimic and lost a ton of weight, when (after a hospitalization) I gained weight back I was told I was fat by my peers. This persisted throughout the rest of my high school years and into early adulthood.

– I am obviously Jewish looking (just look at a photo of me…you’ll see what I mean) and grew up in a time and place where beauty was strictly considered to mean “thin, blonde, and tan”. I felt like I had just been born ugly and would never fit in. I was told I was ugly from the time I was a kid, it got worse in middle school. Other boys and girls told me I was ugly and would yell it at me in the halls. My female friends even told me I was ugly.

– As an 19-22 yr old  I was consistently told by men that I was fat or needed to lose weight. I have been told my employers that I am fat. I have been told by ex boyfriends that I am fat. I have been told by men I have sexually turned down that I am fat. “Fat” and “ugly” have been thrown at me by men throughout my life as a way to put me down and silence me. 

Despite all of this, I am a radically self-confident 25 year old women who is not conventionally good looking or super thin. I have media, pop culture, and shit tons of men telling me I shouldn’t like how I look or I need to change and I don’t and I won’t because I’m perfectly happy with myself.

So yes, I celebrate that…because in today’s world it’s a big fucking deal.  


Filed under Adolescence, Rants & Raves

5 Ways to Be a Douche

1656442_10152220185692534_517243169_nHey Guys how goes it? Survive Valentine’s Day Weekend? Like enough dumb fucking Facebook pictures of gross fucking couples going out to dinner? Curse your ex? Binge watch House of Cards  whilst eating Chinese food and thinking “this is better than a relationship any day”?

That’s definitely not what I did.


Anyway, onto something that really matters. I basically spent the last 6 months of my life holed up in a room working on a computer and then last month I decided to venture out into the real world and get a part time job at  a t0-remain-nameless boutique grocery chain. I love it…it’s great. I’m treated really well, I’m paid an awesome amount for a service job, and, most importantly, it gets me out of the house and forces me to interact with non-felines.

But you know, social interaction has its downsides. Namely: people are kind of douchey. Not all people but I would estimate that  97% percent of people are at least 45% douche. And that’s being optimistic. I think most peeps probably just don’t realize the sort of mundane douchey habits they’ve acquired in an attempt to just…I don’t know..survive. And man-oh-man I know that I have some douchey habits…but let’s focus on people besides myself right now  (because that’s more fun for me). Here’s a few that have made my list just in the past couple of days:

5. Dishing it and Not Being able to Take It

I used to work at a coffee shop in my hometown and the owners idea of “having a relationship” with his employees was to just make fun of them, which was awkward for so many reasons but mostly because we couldn’t really make fun of him back…since he was our boss. He was a real douche. 

But there’s also just those people who are always sort of sarcastically poking at you with their weirdly mean “humor stick”…at first you’re like “ok I get it, we’re friends…we make fun of each other…cute” but then you’re all “wow…that was kind of mean”. And then you sort of poke back, maybe a little bit hard because this has become a real poking match goddammit and then all of the sudden y’all just are not cool anymore.

The thing to keep in mind with these people is that their humor is a mask for their crazy insecurity and also a way for them to try to maintain control.  So it’s kind of better to just not engage  at all. When I meet people like this I try to pretend that humor is not part of my cultural understanding.

4. Taking People to Point on  Hyperbole

I know this sounds weird and sort of niche but my philosophy is that, in general,  people who don’t acknowledge the existence of hyperbole in conversation are kind of douchey. Let me give you an example:

Person A: Oh wow I didn’t know who Phillip Seymour Hoffman was, but when I saw his face I definitely recognized him

Me: Yeah he’s in like every movie

Person A: Well not EVERY movie. Let’s not get carried away here. 

Gee Person A,  I was really getting “carried away” there for a minute. Almost lost my bearings! Good thing I have a douche like you to keep me in line!


3. Asking Pointed Questions With the Intention of Showing Your Disapproval

It’s hard to sum this up in one sentence, but I’m sure after I describe the scenario you’ll be like “oh yeah, that’s definitely happened to me”. Especially if you’re a female, because this happens to be totally catty-female-cunt thing to do.

My example: I recently shaved the side of my head. It’s called a sideshave. It’s not unusual. Two female coworkers did this thing where they sort of asked me really pointed questions like

“Why did you decide to do that to yourself?”


“So you like how that looks?”

and then when I answered, they just nodded. Both of these questions are fucking bitchy. The answers are obvious and therefore the only fucking point of asking the question is to show that they. A. don’t think I should have “done that to myself” or B. don’t like how it looks.

Basically, it’s just a sly passive aggressive way of expressing their negative opinion.

I’m a feminist and all, don’t get me wrong, but woman can be bitches. 

2. Using Your Cell Phone While You Should Be Interacting With Someone

I’ve worked like a million service jobs and this is such a social “no-no” that I’m still blown away when people do it. Using your cell phone when you’re getting coffee, when you’re buying groceries, whatever…it’s basically treating the person you’re interacting with at the register as if they don’t exist. I get it: we’re forced to have tons of interactions each that we’d rather not have. But try to be a fucking decent human about it. You don’t need to become friends with every person you have a minute interaction with, but you should maybe treat them with civility.

1. Hitting on People While They’re at Work

The ultimate douche bag move. Why…just…why

I’ve worked at coffee shops, grocery stores, book stores, restaurants, gyms, and offices and there’s one thing all of these places have in common: as part of my job description I have to be nice to customers. That means I have to be nice to people I probably wouldn’t give the time of day to otherwise. That sometimes means I have to stand there while some asshole tells me how pretty I am or tries to talk to me about my favorite bands while I’m in the process of making 10  espresso drinks and I still have to be nice.

It always seems aggressive when someone asks me out at work. The fact that we’ve had a couple of nice conversations while I make you coffee doesn’t mean I like you. I literally can’t get away from you, dude. And then every time I see you, it’s going to be awkward.

Its worse when you’re working for tips. I won’t even go into the politics of being a server (because it’s not just females, I’ve seen male servers get completely sexually harassed by horrendous bridal showers) and it’s fucking lame when your livelihood depends on someone feeling like you’re being appropriately receptive to their gross sexual advances.

Anyway, that’s my brief list. Feel free to add your own!

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Filed under Rants & Raves, Uncategorized

Band-Speak: The Language of the Elite

Oh Gosh guys I’m sorry I haven’t posted in weeks. The truth is I’ve been back on my meds, and while this tends to make me more functional on a social level (i.e. I don’t yell at people for chewing too loudly or sit in my room overanalyzing all of my minute human interactions) it kind of blocks my creative inhibitions.

It’s a no-win situation. Or I just need to get on new medication, but really, who has time for that shit?

When I was 21 I started dating this local DJ in a small, nameless town in in the Southwest. Previous to dating this dude,  and completely unbeknownst to me, I had like terrible taste in music. I mean I basically just didn’t know shit about anything remotely related to music (even though I had been, you know, listening to music actively for my whole life).

I interned for an indie-record label which, I think makes me preetttyy cool by some obscure standard

Fact about me: I interned for an indie-record label which won’t acknowledge my existence now.

Anyone who has ever dated a DJ will tell you that this sudden discovery of musical ignorance is actually fairly commonplace. Inevitably, within a few weeks of the romance- after the initial phase of where he dedicates Lauryn Hill songs to you at gigs and you think “oh this is true love”-  you’ll find that every musical preference you have will be quickly placed in a small filing cabinet of snarky categories:

“Oh you like Jurassic 5? Right because that’s real hip hop”  *snort*

“Roy Orbison? How hip” *chortle*

“Bob Dylan? You’re so folky” *eye-roll*

And the one time you put on something he kind of approves of (“Oh yeah. Townes Van Zandt is great. But this album is really not his best”) you’re all I DID GOOD. GIVE ME HEAD PATS PLEEZ.

You really should check out Milli Vanilli's second, lesser-known album.

You really should check out Milli Vanilli’s second, lesser-known album.

The thing about this particular boyfriend is that he always wanted to listen to objectively bad music.  We always had to listen to some obscure, terrible 80s pop album that he thought was “so good” in an ironic way but, you know, was just like really bad. “This is great,” he would say and put on some failed one-hit wonder’s second album. “No…no it’s not,” I would think, and smile agreeably.

 We could never just listen to like the fucking Beatles or the Rolling Stones. This preference for the “ironically good” extending to most things: we always had to watch bad 80’s movies. We always had to play crappy nintendo games. Ok ok, I get the nostalgia factor but let’s face it: compared to modern day video games, Nintendo is fucking weak. You’ve played nintendo. You spent hours in your youth playing nintendo. Play something awesome with rad graphics with an actual plot now, because the video game world has seriously upped its game…game….

When we finally broke up I happily listened to The Cure’s pop albums and Lauryn Hill and Al Green and every other mainstream love song I had so longed for whilst suffering through hours of dubstep remixes.

But then a few months later I fell into the same trap when I started dating a guy in a semi-famous metal band. When I say semi-famous I’m actually exaggerating to make myself sound cooler. The point is, I

The dude I dated was not Lemmy, but had a similar 'stache

The dude I dated was not Lemmy, but had a similar ‘stache

really don’t know shit about metal. I really wanted to date this guy because I was bored and he looked like a 70’s rockstar and, of course,  he had a cool mustache.

So I Wikipedia-ed THE SHIT out of some obscure metal knowledge, read a few metal blogs, and (and this is really the most important element) fed his ego. Because, if there was one thing I has learned by the ripe age of 22 it was that dudes in bands love when pretty girls gush about their band. 

Seriously, though I made so many trivia mistakes in our many mundane conversations which were basically bizarrely competitive listings of metal genres/bands (the most notable being when I called Witchfinder General, General Witchfinder which all metal enthusiasts will be like WHAT THE FUCK YOU DUMB SLUT) but it’s kind of amazing what people will overlook when you’re fucking them on the regs.

Also, most metalheads are extremely willing to believe that every girl they find attractive is their “dark princess”. For God’s sake, they live in a world where everything revolves around fantasy. It only takes a small push for an already suggestable imagination to turn a Jewish girl from New Jersey  into Dark Metal Mistress of the Night.

Anyway it was a relief when we broke up. Because I could finally stop pretending I liked metal.

I met my last boyfriend at a punk show that his band was playing at.  We were on our first awkward date and he asked me that dreaded question…you know the one:

“So, what music do you like?”

Ugh, I thought, he’s expecting me to list some obscure punk bands that I don’t give a shit about. Instead, I obstinately decided to give him the most anti-social unhip answer I could think of:

“I really only listen to country music”. I waited for him to go on some rant about how he hates “new country”, but likes “old country, like Johnny Cash”.

“Oh that’s cool,” he said. And we talked about something else.

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Filed under Art, Love and Relationships, Rants & Raves

What Your Okcupid Reading List Says About You

Let’s talk about the “Favorite ” section of okcupid

Because there is a type of person who sees the “Favorite music” section of their online dating profile as a place to list every band they have ever listened to and thought “oh, I like this”.

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When it’s in alphabetical order and you can tell they just listed everything in their itunes library.

I’m not really sure what the motive behind this is. Is it trying to portray “don’t worry, I like TONS of things so we’ll definitely get along” or  “my diverse range of musical tastes shows that I’m hip as shit”. In other words, I can’t tell whether it’s elitist or broad-minded to list your entire itunes library on your dating profile. Are you filtering in or filtering out?

My critics will be all “MAYBE THEY JUST WANT TO LIST ALL THE BANDS THEY LIKE” but I would argue  that it really defies the point of “Favorite” when you list upwards of ten bands.

The “favorite books” section is also problematic. 

Let’s just admit that reading in itself is an elitist activity. It shouldn’t be, but in a day and age when most people don’t read,  when you say that you read it automatically puts you into a minority of “smart people ” who don’t spend their time doing things like watching TLC marathons or posting memes to facebook or whatever it is most people do these days. And then, of course, the problem here is that when you are someone who reads it’s hard to talk about it without sounding like an a-hole (it just is, I’m sorry). Especially in an online dating context, where everything you do seems like a ploy to get laid

There’s seriously just no way to win me over with this. Even when people list books I like, I’m all “oh my god you insufferable snob” because I’m mean and overcritical and will never get married.

But here is a list of the three authors I see listed most on my okcupid “matches” profiles (so clearly I’m part of the problem), and what I think it says about these potential matches as people.

Haruki Murakami

Scale of Douchiness: Mild douche

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You’re not really a douche, you just don’t read. This is the only book you have read besides “Catcher in the Rye” that actually interested you. But whatever, it’s vaguely philosophical and it made you think about…you know…stuff!

 Jack Kerouac

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Scale of Douchiness: Arch Douche of the Internets

You want to travel! Live life to the fullest! Roll cigarettes! Listen to music! Have Sex! Write in moleskins! The world is your oyster and you shall eat it! EVERYONE IS A GENIUS, particularly you. You like the wild ones! But you’re having trouble expressing that sentiment on your okcupid profile.

Charles Bukowski

Scale of Douchiness: The King of Doucheland

You’re having a fucking crisis and you just need a good, and less-than-critical, woman to save you. You’re drinking a lot of whiskey. You’re watching David Lynch films. You’re writing formless poetry on a typewriter and the world is fucked. You sleep on a mattress on the floor, no sheet. Your apartment smells like cat piss and nicotine. You’ve written several short poems about this particular stench. You hate the women on okcupid, all the vain bitches who don’t respond to you. You send them more messages.

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To see my ongoing commentary on messages I get on okcupid, visit


Filed under Love and Relationships, Rants & Raves

Here’s the thing about your dating life…

“Whats the thing about me and men?” cries Torgier’s mom on season 2 of the Norwegian/American Netflix series Lilyhammer  when her fiancee suddenly leaves her “I am like flypaper for psychos!”.

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Source: Netflix

In the plot line, it’s funny for two reasons: one (warning: plot giveaway), because Torgier has just kidnapped her fiancee after finding out he is a less than savory person (coughbestialitycough), but not before sending mom a text message from creepy fiancé’s phone breaking off the engagement (total badass moment). And two, because the character is a total egomaniac and an awful person.

It’s funny for a non-plot line reason as well.

It’s funny because I’m a 24 year old woman who has tons of female friends in their 20’s and 30’s (and I’m on Facebook a fucking lot) so I hear variations of this sentiment almost constantly.

“Why do I only attract losers???”, “Why can’t I just date someone normal??”, “My dating life is a joke!”, “All the good guys are gay or taken!”.

I’m here to tell you the harsh truth.

Here’s the thing about your dating life: It’s really only as pathetic as you are.

But wait, I can already see you getting offended. Just hold up and hear me out because you can totally stop being fucking pathetic.

1. You’re not Alone

I, like so many women , spent a good portion of my dating life in semi-relationships with d-bags, wondering why dudes weren’t texting me back, and convincing myself I’m special and worth being loved (and simultaneously wondering why everyone I dated sucked). This isn’t unusual.

I know like two women who started out in the dating world actually having awesome standards for themselves, understanding what they were worth, and not dealing with any shit. And to be perfectly honest, when I meet women like this I just can’t even relate to them because my experience has been so drastically different. Also, I know a couple women who just got lucky. They met someone awesome right off the bat and didn’t have to go through the years of traumatic/embarrassing/self-esteem killing trial-and-error shit that so many of us do.

If those women are realistic, they’ll admit that this is luck. If they’re condescending, they’ll get a dumb fucking whimsical smile on their face and try to give you dating advice. Ignore them. They don’t know shit. Also, remind them of the current divorce rates. 

But here’s the thing, when I was 20 I dropped out of college and moved across the country and for the first time I started hanging out with people who were older than 22. Before that period in my life, I basically thought that anyone older than 22 was ancient and I had this weird concept that all women in their late 20’s had their shit together when it came to dealing with men  (HAHAHA).

So at 21, I started hanging out with women in their late 20s and 30s and I remember being totally blown away that chicks who were 7-15 years older than me were still dealing with the dumb dating shit that I was, at 21. I just want to mention that, by the very nature of the chicks I hang out with, these are all women who are just fucking awesome in every other aspect of their life: creative, intelligent, thoughtful, etc.

But they were still pining over guys who they had fucked once and never heard from again. They were still dating dudes who were not giving them what they wanted in a relationship. They were still being dishonest about their needs in relationships because they were scared of being alone. (take “relationship” and “dating” to mean anything from the most casual to the most solid forms of the noun).

So obviously, this thought process that people just “grow and get smarter” as they get older is flawed.  People don’t always learn from their mistakes.

It really made an impression on me, but basically my dumb-as-fuck thought process at the time was like “well that won’t be me” without any concept of how that wouldn’t be me. I blame this on my still developing frontal lobe.  

2. You’re Not Promised a Soulmate. 

So for about a year I continued my usual pathetic dating cycle. I moved all over the country and fucked people and wondered why they didn’t love me. I got into a relationship with a guy and dumped him and wondered why he didn’t care. I then got into a really good relationship and thought my dating problems were over but (wuh-woh) he was an alcoholic.

And another thing happened: It occurred to me that even though I had grown up expecting that I would end up someday falling in love and getting married and being happy, it might never happen. It doesn’t happen to a lot of people and a lot of people fall in love and then end up miserable anyway. There is no reason I deserve love more than anyone else.  No one, at birth, is promised a soulmate.

It put things in perspective.

3. Stop Your Dumb Habits

So I made a deal with myself: I would stop any destructive dating cycles before they ruined my life. Because bad relationships, like drugs, ruin people’s lives.

My method?

Brutal fucking honesty with myself.

You know that Einstein definition of insanity “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”? I feel like the part that is missing is that insane people don’t have the self-awareness to realize that they’re doing the same thing over and over again. Like even if you’re like “hey you keep turning that doorknob right and its still not opening the fucking door so clearly that’s just not going to happen” they’ll be like “no it will work eventually”. 

So to apply this to the relationships thing, (and this is where my method comes in):

If someone calls me out I immediately examine it. A couple of years ago I was hanging out in a biker bar and got choked by a meth head. (I know…I know…). But a couple days later I was on the phone with my dad and complaining that I would “never find anyone who loved me” and he was like “yeah you won’t if you keep hanging out in the places you do”. Seriously, though he was right. Also I was in an al-anon meeting a few weeks ago complaining that “I felt like I had just been dealt a bad hand because I had fallen in love with an alcoholic” and this woman was like “hold up, you knew he was an alcoholic when you met him”. She was right.

I also call myself out all the fucking time. I, almost pathologically, note every pattern I have gotten into in relationships that have been destructive and think about what I can do to avoid it.

Example: I used to always find myself in relationships with people with alcohol problems. Now I don’t date someone if I see any signs of alcoholism . Period.

Example: I used to find myself in relationships with people who were way less invested than I was. Now I don’t chase after people because that has, historically, ended up badly for me.

Example: I used to have casual sex with people and then feel really hurt and upset that people didn’t want to be in a relationship with me. Now I don’t have casual sex at all because I’m not someone who can handle that.

4. Stop Publicly Bitching

Fact: many single people are lonely. The condition of mankind is loneliness.

Bitching about your “hilarious” dating life makes you sound like Cathy (not Liz Lemon) and also, it’s really problematic when you bitch about your “pathetic dating life” and then someone calls you out and then you get pissed.

I have one friend posted this the other day:

Why is my dating life such a joke?? (paraphrasing)

and someone said: Maybe you bring it on yourself a bit

I liked the comment because I happen to know that this girl does totally bring it on herself, and she subsequently blocked me. Ok, that’s her choice. But she also asked. And she also made her dating life public.

I make certain elements of my life fairly public on this blog and I’ve had people call me out. Listen, if the shoe fits..wear it. If not, throw it away. But you might seriously want to examine that shit.

When you open yourself up to the public via talking about your dating life on Facebook or your blog, over the span of a few years other people can become keenly aware of patterns you have developed and they might have more insight into it than you do. So if you’re not open to criticism, don’t bitch about it.

One More Thing

I’m not saying men don’t have issues.

Dear god do men have issues. Safe to say that my generations’ issues with meaningful relationships probably reflects a larger problem that has to do with the divorce rates of our parents, economic insecurity, and some other shit. But  to a certain extent, you can really only take care of you, and I can only take care of I  and it just so happens that I am a woman.


Filed under Love and Relationships, Rants & Raves

Rants &Raves: sucks.

A few weeks ago their was an interview on NPR with the founder of Jezebel (the feminist news/gossip site) Anna Holmes. Anna Holmes seems pretty smart and obviously she’s got some business savvy and there’s no doubt in my mind she’s a feminist.

But that doesn’t fix the fact that Jezebel is really dumb and that it’s annoying how people refer to it as if its the bible of feminism. I’ve had so many ignorant men try to prove their “feminist perspective” to me by showing me an article on Jezebel that backed up their opinion. As if to say “see a writer from Jezebel agrees with me, so I can’t be wrong”. No dude. You’re still wrong.

Read some actual feminist lit and I’ll respect you.

It bugs me that every time I google a feminist issue that I want some feedback on, I get directed to Jezebel. Google “AHS Asylum sexist” I get linked to Jezebel. Google “Beyonce not feminist” I get linked to Jezebel. The other day I googled “farting in public” and I got linked to Jezebel (but really guys, this is a serious feminist issue).  At this point I actually get more intelligent feedback from the comments on Jezebel articles than the actual articles themselves.

I don’t know where the writers from Jezebel come from, and I don’t actively check who is writing the dumb articles I read, but I can guarantee that their position at Jezebel is not based on any elite expertise on feminism. They basically write snarky opinion articles that people like because peeps love snark, and everyone worships it as feminist scripture. Also the general population is pretty dumb. So check yourself before you refer me to to prove your dumb “Feminist” perspective because that shit isn’t legit.

It’s not like you’re referring to Audre Lord, you’re referring to some snarky mid-20s  pseudo-journalist with “women’s studies” degree who gets paid to verbally justify her fairly mundane opinions. 

A few examples (note: these are obviously the ones that have prompted me to write this post so I have them on hand, but I’ve been seeing shit like this for years):

 Beyonce. From this fucking ridiculous 2008 article about how Beyonce is a misunderstood feminist to this recent brief on great feminist moments which claims that Beyonce claiming she is a feminist is a “Great Feminist Moment” of 2013

American Horror Story. Your friendly neighborhood feminist news source posts basically weekly updates about the most violently anti-women show on TV whilst claiming that this is all ok because “the female characters are strong”. Missing the point, dude. There are actual real reasons why media portraying awful violence against women as entertainment is problematic… read: awful violence against women is a real thing. People don’t need to be desensitized to it in the form of entertainment. 

But I should also acknowledge that is a huge website with probably many different writers and it is literally churning out content constantly, so some of it might be better than others. Their article on Hunter Moore and Is Anyone Up was good (but not written by  Jezebel staff) and I like this article on The Many Misguided Reasons Famous Ladies Say I’m Not a Feminist. I am happy that Jezebel brings up these topics, I am happy that people repost some of these articles, it’s good to get the conversation flowing.

Also, the alternatives to Jezebel are kind of worse. I mean have you ever read XOJane? It’s awful.  Feministing is better but they don’t really do pop-culture analysis that much. Also, it’s fair to say that all of these “online editorials” are more like a conglomerate of blog entries rather than actual journalism (see: pseudo-journalism, see: Vice). But that’s a whole ‘nother can of worms.

I just think that Jezebel.come should be acknowledged for what it is. It’s not great feminist analysis. Jezebel is feminist sugar. It’s junk food that markets itself as intelligent. You know the potato chips in the natural food aisle? Yeah, they’re still just potato chips.

Update: I just have to add that I found basically the best article ever on Jezebel which ranks the supporting cast from p90x and I was all “oh man I guess Jezebel isn’t that bad” but then it the bottom I found out that it was actually reblogged from B-side Blog. So…you know. Nothing new there, folks.

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Times I’ve Farted in Public

I’m a fairly attractive girl, so it comes as a surprise to some people that I have bodily functions.

But today, after accusing a famous comedian on twitter of stealing one of my tweet jokes (which he had made the day before) and then being called out about it by a WNYC anchor…all on twitter… I decided to do a little exercise on putting things in perspective and think about other times I’ve publically embarrassed myself.

So of course I thought about all the times I’ve farted in public.

1. The time I was working at a craft shop in Portland and farted in front of my crafty, whimsical, perfectly feminine coworkers. And then tried to cover it up by moving a bunch of things and hoping desperately that at least one thing I moved would make some sort of sound that halfway resembled a toot.

Alas, it was hopeless. But my demure crafty coworkers were way too polite to be like “yo bitch, did you just fart?” so instead they just blushed and looked down and I coughed and kept futilely moving things around. A week later, when I was fired for “not fitting in”, I really wanted to be like “WAS IT THE FART???? BECAUSE IT WON’T HAPPEN AGAIN! I CAN CONTROL IT! I SWEAR!”

2. The truth is I can’t control it, as I learned a week later (bad month for farting in public) when I was sitting in this hip coffee shop working on my mac and farted really loudly. I’m not really sure how it happened. I can only surmise that I had gotten so used to casually farting in my apartment while on my computer that I temporarily lost my bearings and forgot that you can’t just, you know, fart in public but as soon as it happened it was horrible.

I mean, for some god-forsaken reason at that particular moment in Portland coffee shop history the music wasn’t playing and no one was talking, but despite the fact that it was literally impossible to not  have heard me, everyone just kept doing what they were doing. Which somehow made it worse. In these moments you kind of wish someone would just burst out laughing or at least give you a knowing smile.

But everyone just stared intently into their computers, so I just had to sort of shift my chair around and try to imitate the farting sound with my chair (WHY IS THIS ALWAYS MY REACTION??) and then kind of giggle at myself, look around to see if anyone else was laughing, notice that no one was, and then die of shame. 

NOTE TO SELF: It’s actually worse if you acknowledge it and then no one else does. Like if I laugh at the fact that I just farted, but then everyone else continues to pretend nothing happened, it just intensifies the situation to an unendurable extreme.

I was then faced with one of those ethical dilemmas of “well if I walk out now everyone will know I’m leaving because I just farted, but if I stay I have to sit here and be the girl who just farted”.

I left. I never went back.

3. Going back in time, everyone has had one of those moments in their childhood where they farted silently in a group and then blamed it on someone else. Right? Well, I’m trying to recall one of those moments, but I can’t and my gut is telling me that I was actually the kid that the other kids blamed the fart on.

This might be the root of all of my problems. Gastric and otherwise. It’s something I should probably explore in therapy.

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Filed under Adolescence, Childhood, Rants & Raves