I’m fairly positive that tons of single men over 34 would challenge this, but seriously until you get a long term girlfriend (like more than 3 years)…I really don’t think you have the authority.
Let’s partake in a short mental exercise. Close your eyes. Think about all of the men around you who are 34 and over, not in a relationship, and have never been married. I challenge you to think about whether they are kind of weird. I bet you anything the answer is yes.
Ok, if the answer is that “they’re sweet” and “you don’t know why they haven’t met anyone“, I’ll get to that in a few moments.
First, let me lay out a few practical reasons for theorizing that, in this day and age in the prevalent culture of the US, it’s much harder to get married if you’re still single at 34-35 whether you’re male or female. Now, I’m not relying on any statistics because..well..fuck it…because this is my fucking blog and I’m being totally anecdotal and not giving a fuck. Basically, I think that in their mid 30s, people are generally more set in their ways, less open to change, less attractive (for the most part), and less inclined to be in scenarios where they meet other single people of the same age range. Additionally, I think that people who have been single for this long tend to be more self-absorbed and used to their particular lifestyle and habits, which doesn’t lend itself to being a good partner.
Oh I know, I know…there are all of these articles on the internet saying that “its so much SEXIER” to have a stable job and have your life together and “maturity is SEXY”. This is all totally valid. But let’s face it: if anyone is trying to say that 35 is the prime age to be a single person, you’re kidding yourself.
35 year olds who are still out at bars trying to get laid are…weird. 35 year olds who don’t have stable jobs are…sad. 35 year olds who have a lot of casual sex are…fucked up. 35 year olds who want to get married and have kids have..well…they have a ticking clock. Which makes them REEK of desperation.
With this all being said, let’s talk about all those “Sweet guys over 34 who just haven’t met the right person yet”.
I have met SO MANY of those guys, and SO many of them have tried to ensnare me in their web of mediocre gross relationshipness (vomit) because something about my large hip-to-waist ratio and Jewish affability apparently screams “marriage material”. This has given me MANY an opportunity to analyze what the fuck is wrong with these dudes and why they “haven’t met the one” yet and let me assure you: it’s not a coincidence
1. Totally self-absorbed
This is one of those chicken/egg scenarios.
It’s like, are you 35 and single because you’ve ALWAYS been totally self absorbed or are you totally self absorbed because you’ve just been single for so damn long?
The latter seems like a plausible reason for why people who are divorced have a higher rate of marriage over 35 than people who have never been married. Ideally, a long term relationship (and even more so, having kids) in your twenties and thirties forces you to prioritize people besides yourself. It causes people to have complete paradigm shifts in how to rank their values, time, etc. Therefore, someone who has spent most of their time being single is just going to be… different. Is this more true for dudes than women? Probably not.
But my next point is totally a dude thing:
2. No concept of who is in their league
As much as we hate to admit it, leagues are a totally real thing, my friend (though sometimes, admittedly, the rules of leagues feel completely amorphous and arbitrary) . I can safely say that so many of the 35 year old guys are trying to date way out of their league. I have met so many 35 year old males who are still trying to date the girls they were trying to date 10 years ago. Obviously this is problematic for emotional reasons as well as practical. Mostly, I feel like it shows a complete lack of awareness that they have changed physically. You just don’t have the same currency you had 10 years ago!
If you’re 35, experiencing a receding hairline and an increasing waistline, why would you think a woman in the prime of physical attractiveness would actually be into you? On the upside of things, you might have A TON of currency to a single woman say…in your age range.
I’ve met so many men over 35 who have like nothing going for them and still have these impossibly high standards for women they feel they should date. It’s actually kind of hilarious, but ultimately it’s just fucking them because they’re never going to date that hot dream girl.
It sounds harsh to say “you really should settle”, but at 35, I actually advocate settling for less than “the ideal”. You can’t expect your partner to be perfect if you’re not and let’s face it…if you were perfect someone would have scooped you up already.
3. Creepily Obsessed with Marriage
Hear this loud and clear: No woman outside of a religious cult likes to feel like a potential walking vessel for your seed.
Maybe this is a turn-on to other people who are creepily obsessed with marriage, but talking about how you’re “looking for a wife” or “want to get married” within a few weeks of meeting a girl makes her feel like you view her as your wifebot.
I’ve met so many 35+ men who I feel like are sizing me up as “wife material” as soon as they meet me because they have a clear sense of their ticking time bomb. This is clear reason why younger men are more attractive than you. This makes you seem old and creepy. Granted, women like commitment: but the man who portrays an attitude of “time is on my side” rather than sweating nervousness about the state of his sperm count will always win.
The good news is this: I don’t think it’s TOTALLY helpless for men over 35. I just think that they need to seriously reconsider who they’re aiming for. I know a ton (ok..like one or two) of divorced women who have married long time bachelors after their kids were out of the house. This has worked out really well because these women were basically single for a really long time, so they ended up meshing really well with a dude who was also single for a long time. My point is: hope is never lost.
But as far as I’m concerned I have two dating tenets I stand by:
1. If you’re a woman under 30, 34 is the cut off date for eligible men.
2. If you’re a single dude, get married ( or at least seriously commit) before you’re 35.